My ascent along the clerical ladder was moving along nicely.  Dues paid as a Youth Pastor? Check (8 years worth). Masters Degree? Check. Ordination? Check.  And then 4 years as a church planter/Senior Pastor, and a second church plant underway in 2002.  I was even serving as a denominational leader and starting to get some requests to take my "show" on the road.

What more could any self-respecting pastor hope for?  Why, in just a few more years I could be flying across the country and maybe even drafting a book!  Heaven on earth.

Yet in January of 2003 it all began to unravel.  But before I say more about that let's jump ahead to something that happened at our home about a month ago, something very, well, something very ordinary.

It's 5:44 p.m. and a mini-van pulls into the driveway.  A young woman climbs out and begins taking her 20-month old out of the car seat.  Her husband will be along in about 15 minutes after first going home to clean up after a long day of framing houses.

Inside the house the lasagna is cooling on the counter and the garlic bread is almost toasted to a golden brown in the oven.  The kids are playing downstairs, the dog is barking a friendly greeting at the door, and the four of us in the kitchen are setting the table and rounding up the kids.  We hope to start eating around 6 p.m.

Over the next 3 hours we eat a meal together amd take the time to catch up with each other's lives.  "How did that medical test turn out?"  "Have you felt the baby kick much recently?"  "So, what did you think of the new Matrix --- and what was up with that last scene?"  Our conversation ranges from the essential to the ridiculous as it flows along naturally with no one attempting to steer it in any one direction.  And there is no hurry.  No one is watching the clock (some nights we never move away from the table - some nights we realize that the program for the evening is the relationships we share, period.)  This fellowship around the table, this "meat-ing", is our nourishment at so many levels.

After dessert a few people pitch in to clear the dishes.  After a few minutes we move into the living room and continue our reading of the book of Acts.  On this night one of the women has volunteered to lead our discussion.  She is a little nervous at first but proceeds to guide us through a 35 minute discussion of Acts 4 that turns out to be a real blessing to our little community.  I'm not 100% certain, but I think that was the very first time she ever lead a discussion for a group of adults in all her years of attending church.  I remember wondering that night how many more "diamonds in the rough" were out there undiscovered, under-utilized, and unappreciated.

One of the men wraps things up for the evening with a simple time of  prayer that is interrupted several times by babies crying, children needing help "going potty" and the dog running in and out of the room.  The truth is that our gatherings are chaotic most of the time.  They are messy, they appear very unorganized, and there are usually more questions that get generated than there are answers.

The last thing we do before saying goodbye is decide who wants to bring the meal for the next week, who wants to lead our discussion in Acts 5, and who wants to lead our prayer time.  This takes about 3 minutes and then I walk people out to their cars and give a few hugs while my wife gets our three kids ready for bed.  Most nights we go later than our kids' bedtime --- most nights we wonder how the hours slipped by so quickly.

What I have just described is what I am calling "church" now-a-days.  The term still seems a poor fit, but it's the best I can come up with for the moment.  And this little church that meets in our home every Tuesday night has been the most life-giving experience I have had in years.  There is a quality to what happens amidst the chaos that I can't even articulate other that to say that this little group is becoming my family.  And to say that the dream I have lived with for over 20 years now, the dream to meaningfully live and share the gospel in a life transforming way, is somehow being rekindled.

OK, back to committing professional suicide in 5 simple steps. In January of 2003 I happened upon an article describing a house church experience.  I found the article in a church marketing magazine of all places.  As I read the article something clicked deep inside of me.  I realize now that what I was experiencing was convergence.  My burnout with trying to be a "Senior Pastor", my growing disillusionment with the modern church (specifically the seeker models), and my own history of learning first about Christ in a living room surrounded by a small group consisting of uncles, aunts, my Mom, and my Grandmother all merged together as I read this article.  And at a gut level I knew the time had come for big changes.

And that's exactly what the past 6 months has been --- one big change after another.  For starters we stopped our monthly gatherings (which were a quasi-seeker, experiential, worship type of thing in a sports bar) and decided to focus upon the development of our two house churches.  We told our denomination that we didn't want any additional funding for our church plant (JourneyChurch) after the first year.  This meant I had to go out and get a "real job".  Which was no small challenge (what does an ordained minister with a Master's in Religious Education and 12 years of pastoral experience do in the market place?).  My only skill to fall back on was construction, specifically pouring concrete for driveways and sidewalks.  So, this is what I am now doing --- starting my own business pouring concrete (not very sexy is it?).  I am also hoping to get a painting business going by the time the snow flies so that I can feed my family over the winter (OK, I admit to being a little melodramatic here, but there are times when it really does feel this way.).

So, we are on a journey and where this will take us is anyone's guess.  All I know for sure is that I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.  In a way I feel like that man who found the pearl of great price and sold everything he owned to get it.  What is my "pearl"?   I guess it boils down to the honesty, the love, and the feeling of family that I experience when I am with our house church mingled with my belief that there are many others in our area and around the world that are hungering for the same thing.

About those 5 simple steps?  To be honest I have no simple steps --- in fact I have no program of any type to offer you.   My only encouragement to leave with you is to let go of your fear, let go of your reputation, let go of your compulsion for control, and then get completely honest with yourself, with others who know and love you, and with God.  And just see where this leads you.

As I reflect upon my wanderings over the past year here are the words of Jesus (John 12:24) that best summarize it for me: "I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds."

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