Meet Shy Guy

Yep, that’s me. And I want to tell you about a big bend in the road I’m steering into. Actually it feels more like a fork where the pavement veers sideways and the straightaway turns into gravel, then a rutty path. But the turn couldn’t be more sure, were a personalized road marker installed there years ago on the off chance I might drive by.

And then there’s you. You are part of this journey too, whether by past acquaintance, profound influence, or just a shared membership in this time and place. Maybe you’re a friend or family member who cares about me, and can’t help but wonder at the apparantly abrupt change of direction. Or maybe a curious stranger with your own story, looking for common ground and contrast. In any case, I sincerely desire that my words and life would honor the blessings you have granted, and respect the walk you are on.

As the photo suggests, I am a clean-cut, white male young adult. Mild-mannered and thoughtful, not a habitual risk taker or thrill seeker. A software developer in the engineering department of a well regarded, publicly traded corporation. Living in an area and religious community with a good grasp on achievement, financial responsibility and family values. Just last year, moved into a nice but moderate house in a nice but moderate neighborhood within biking distance of work. Married with one young child.

Flash forward to a voluntary departure from said full time employment of five years, a slim-paying short-term internship to replace it. A for sale sign in front of the house, forsaken for an upstairs apartment 300 miles away at Plow Creek (http://www.plowcreek.org/), an intentional community and Mennonite Church in which roughly half of the members share all personal income and several contribute extensively to peace and justice initiatives. For my take on how and why I’ve come to explore this avenue, read on…

Shy Guy Synthesizes…

By nature I am a genuine introvert. I’m pleased and refreshed by quiet time to read, think and generally mind my own business. I’ve always enjoyed collecting, ordering and classifying items. The latter are traits which our society values and led to a seemingly well-suited career in computers and engineering. But over the past decade, these perfectly healthy traits and occupation have increasingly crowded out all other aspects of my nature. Now the rest of me is staging a retaliation, beating back the "computer guy" like white blood cells against a foreign body.

Something had to give. I’ve never been good at compartmentalizing life. Despite a lot of self-motivation and work ethic, it’s my blessing and curse to integrate. I draw energy and strength from work that is deeply important to me, but stagnate and atrophy quickly at other assignments. And though years of self-protective front have fooled even close friends and family, "computer guy" is so counter to my real personality that staying there full time would be destructive and futile.

So what exactly is deeply important to me? The last decade of personal reading interests are a good clue. The jigsaw puzzle of cosmology, earth history, ancient civilization and, dare I say, even E.T reports has provided endless fascination and a distinct "Christmas Eve" excitement at peeking into the foundations and age-old mysteries of our world. Music, graphic art, stories, languages and traditions from around the world have filled me with gratefulness for the mere knowledge that uniquely creative people, who carry the stories of centuries of such ancestors, may yet thrive and develop. Tears of joy come easily when I learn of hard working and resourceful individuals who go beyond the call on principle and personal integrity. I rejoice when their work is acknowledged and stew over workplace trends which deny their value. I am cut to the heart by news reports of violent attack or blatant disregard of the innocent and helpless, especially children. I am bewildered by policy decisions and economic rationale that would trash out and scorch the earth in exchange for disposable merchandise and cheap energy at any price.

And, oh yeah, there’s that faith in God and my personal relationship with Jesus which is, of course, my central focus and reason to be. For the record. But although I’ve always been aware and grateful for that relationship, in fact we’ve never related very well. This, of course, is no fault of Jesus. But it’s such a glaringly and shamefully dysfunctional condition that I readily hide it with rightthinking games that are not of my real mind and will. God, by intervention and by my adherence to the basic principles in his book, has still protected and at crucial times I have responded to his leadings. But overall our relationship has been shallow and stuffy. I blame this mostly on my lack of discipline and trust, partly on some needless mental conflict stemming from human spins and restrictions on the divine message.

Relationship with Jesus is a spiritual issue, no doubt. Then why were so many of those stumbling blocks rational? Namely, principles of how life in Christ should or should not overlap and interact with pursuits of knowledge, beauty, compassion and justice by society in general. To what extent does God care about these temporal conditions, in a planetary wellness sort of way? Are they central to life in Christ, or just supporting sideshows to be employed with moderation and strategy?

I have rediscovered the roots of an authentic faith to which my desires, concerns and curiosities can find their true foundation. These are in fact born of the spirit, planted by God. A personal kingdom and creation which I long to align with God’s Kingdom and Creation. Through his perfect lordship, they will be refined and refocused from the narrow perspective of myself and my culture, to the eternal perspective.

…Begins to Find His Voice

My background is in faith traditions which strongly emphasize the truth of the Bible. Given my curiosities and desire to take God at his word, I became an enthusiastic student of young earth creationism and flood geology. In time this led to considerable mental anguish and guilt as many branches of science and history reveal a much older world. Would consideration of old rocks, star formation and a great flood which covered the whole world of the viewer lead me straight down a slippery slope to atheism? For years I thought so.

Countless books, articles and conversations have contributed to my quandary and current resolution on this topic. For a summary of the mounting scientific case against both Darwinism on one hand and a 10,000 year old universe on the other, see Alan Hayward’s now out of print "Creation and Evolution". Hayward cites well explained, currently observable processes like sedimentary rock formation, igneous rock cooling, ocean mud formation, annual seawater evaporation, coral reef growth and shellfish growth bands, all of which point to an old earth. In each case, the essential concepts and evidences are simple enough for thoughtful consideration and followup by the non-scientist. Hayward also touches on how committed believers seeking to defend Biblical truth have instead imposed a naïve modern interpretation on the Hebrew narratives and poetry:

Luther and his contemporaries also meant well when they opposed Copernicus and Galileo because ‘the Bible said’ the sun goes round the earth. But they, too had mistaken their own interpretation for Bible teaching. Thus they, too, made many people think that Christians were prepared to hide their heads in the sand. 1

For me the need to continuously filter and disregard those objective observations of the earth, stars and atoms which contained the words "million" or "billion" became a failed prerequisite for intellectual integrity. This undercut my confidence in God’s absolute reality and my confidence in engaging the world.

Other slippery slope early warning systems have conspired against my heart for compassion, justice, and the preservation and nurture of beauty. Would too much attention to these suck me into a humanistic cause which hijacks God and replaces a purer "spiritual" Christianity? My reading of Jesus’ words sees a clear emphasis on our treatment of other people, specifically in providing for their physical needs as we are able, and a regard for their well-being before our own. Matthew 25 suggests that, to Jesus, attendance to physical needs was not essentially a tool or accompaniment to "evangelism," but a central concern in its own right. In our increasingly interrelated world, there is no reasonable basis for setting aside needs shared by many people, distant people or future people as "social issues". We may be afraid of their scope, disconcerting ethical dilemnas, or political associations. We may debate the most critical needs and most appropriate measures. Yet I’m convinced that the de-emphasis of such issues from the Christian walk imposes human limitations on God and robs us from the vibrancy and fullness of the eternal life God intends for us to enter into now, as a light to the world.

Finally, at times I have struggled with slippery slope concerns about work and play. How much to stockpile for my family’s future, how much to give away, how much to enjoy the moment. I want to stop debating my conscience on these matters and instead live in a continual awareness of the ultimate reality – God’s Kingdom. Remembering the value and beauty of that pearl, of course I will seek it first… and let the tiresome work / play debate fall into place. With this rightful allegiance in mind, Jesus frees me to shed self-conscious insecurities and find my identity, voice and lifestyle as a natural response to the way he has made me.

… Faces the Wide, Wide World...

Now I’m facing the world with real hope and enthusiasm. Despite its evil and tragedy, it and its people are God’s good creation and as such capable of much good and creativity. I have no fear of secular pursuits of reality because God is ultimate reality, and delights in all efforts to know him. Those who would enter into his Kingdom through Christ will discover and submit to the perfect source of all that is good. What news could be better? I am a messenger of this news, and I will communicate it primarily by my love and by the visible, compelling reality of Christ in me. This is all in spite of my own continuing weakness, as I trust God to complete the work he has started.

… and Runs Away from It?

So with such eagerness for meeting the world, why move to a tight-knit community in sparsely populated Illinois farmland?

The initial exploration was prompted by a shared desire with my wife to find a way for church members to share our lives in more natural and substantial ways. We’re not sure intentional community is the best answer or our long term direction, but it does address some fundamental drawbacks to individualism and consumerism which look like hindrances to the church.

Are we running away from culture? Much to the contrary, our short visit in June suggests that the move will significantly broaden our horizons. Plow Creek is a curious mix of church, ethnic and occupational backgrounds. I suspect that the close proximity to such diverse people will facilitate friendships in which we stretch and grow. Among the twelve families, over ten foreign languages are known, several as a native tongue. I hope our awareness of foreign cultures grows as well. There is a sister church in El Salvador and long-term involvement in Colombian peacemaking. We are excited about exposure to the knowledge and experiences of fruit and vegetable farming, and the ability to reduce consumption and spending through cooperation. We admire the way Plow Creek, and Mennonites in general, emphasize living out one’s faith day by day. I sense a high esteem for the simple along with an appreciation for the complex.

While at Plow Creek, I will work an internship to help equip congregations throughout Illinois, Iowa and Indiana for leadership within the wider culture. Evergreen Leaders, a new nonprofit organization launched by a Plow Creek elder, is dedicated to leadership training. The vision is to grow leaders who are rooted and grounded in the love of Jesus. In short, leaders who strive to understand and treat people as God intends, because of the love he has given them. Evergreen will offer seminars, workshops and printed materials aimed at identifying practical leadership opportunities in existing relationships.

The next chapter is a mystery, but I’m excited and grateful for the months ahead. It’s part of what feels like a second chance God has given me to chart a life with more trust and openness, less regimen and reservation.

I Live for This.

This article constitutes for me a Declaration of Independence from fear and doubt. In many ways, it contains "forward-looking statements," a set of deep-seated resolutions which have not yet played out in habits of thought, conversation and demeanor. Even as I complete and revise it, the old habits assail: Too idealistic? Too humanistic? Too personal? How could it be mocked? Ignorantly trampled any true doctrine? Who could it hurt?… But I won’t heed them tonight. By God’s grace I will keep letting go.

For the first time in many years, I can wholeheartedly and naturally describe life in Christ as the basis for my real identity and true foundation for the best and sweetest of my actions and dreams. If it’s been awhile since you traced back through the reasons that arrange your life, I highly recommend it. Examine Jesus’ life and teachings, test them against your own convictions, longings, hurts and fears. Allow them to examine you… and expect a wild ride into furious authenticity and inexplicable calm.

1 Hayward, Alan. Creation and Evolution: Rethinking the Evidence from Science and the Bible. 1995: Bethany House Publishers, Minneapolis. P. 80.

Hello My Brother in Christ,

I immensley enjoyed reading your narative of your move to Tiskilwa and your struggles with science and faith. I have had many of the same thoughts and questions. Since returning home from WOC 10, I have had some serious discussions with my 14 year old son about some of the same questions you have written about.

God Bless You!!

Todd
--Todd Peterson ( toddingtonp2000 at yahoo dot com ) on 10/24/2006; 11:21:38 AM